Here's the transcript:
Lindsay Lohan: Hi. My name is Lindsay and I'm searching for love.
The eHarmony theme music can be heard in the background.
Lindsay Lohan: I'm recently single, (pause) I think, and I'm looking for someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. Or, at least the rest of my probation with. Ha ha. A little bit about me. I'm an actress, a singer, an entrepreneur and I single handedly kept ninety percent of all gossip websites in business. I would define my personality as, uh, creative. I'm a bit of night owl. I'm a workaholic, a shopaholic, and-
Lindsay Lohan drinks an unidentified liquid from a plastic bottle
Lindsay Lohan: -according to the state of California, an alcoholic, as well as a threat to all security guards if they work at hotels. And to put all those rumors to rest, I am not broke. I actually have over four hundred dollars in the bank and twenty thousand Marlboro Milds, which I'm very proud of.
Lindsay Lohan is seen texting.
Lindsay Lohan: I'm looking for a compatible mate who likes a night out on the town, as long as he or she is driving, of course. Likes ankle monitoring bracelets and doesn't have family members quick to issue restraining orders. The perfect mate loves long walks on the beach, car chases on the PCH, antiquing, and uh passing out in Cadillac Escalades. So, if you think you can handle a redhead with a little bit of sass-
Lindsay Lohan is seen playing with a football. She throws the football and the sound of glass breaking is heard.
Lindsay Lohan: -and by that I mean a redhead that's crazy. I mean, don't pretend like you don't know me. We've all read about it. We'll crash a few parties, a car or two, but at the end of the day, I promise you I never lose my Google hits, just my underwear. You can reach me at 612679 or-
Lindsay Lohan is seen reading an issue of US weekly with her picture on the cover.
Lindsay Lohan: -you can find me on the cover of US Weekly, because I'm so alone.
The shot cuts back to the static profile shot that reads eHarmony Video Personals LINDSAY # 612679.
Here's the link: http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/2bdk